My Meditation Practice

Meditation Can Relieve The Need for Self Distraction

May 10, 2017
I use to have a very hard time with me.

For many years, I did a lot of things.
I ran a lot of miles.
I did a lot of exercise classes.
I was very competitive in all of my hobbies.
I worked very hard at my job.
I drank a lot of wine.

This is what I thought I liked at the time:
The structure and cadence of working towards a goal.
The long hours it took training or practicing for the goal.

This is what it looked like on the outside:
I was goal oriented and focused!
I was committed!
I was an overachiever!
I was a fun!

2014 Boston Marathon. Goal accomplished through an internal struggle.

This is what others said they thought of me:
You’re such a fast runner!
You’re so fit!
You’re so balanced with your health and profession!

This is what was going on inside:
I can’t take a day off from running or I will have to face myself all day with energy.
I can only face myself if I’m tried, worn out or buzzed on wine.
I already achieved some goals, now I have to keep achieving goals because that is what others expect.
I know my flaws so if others know them, they won’t like me.

This is a pretty raw and honest post. Stay with me, I have a point.

All of these things were distraction tactics. I needed to distract myself from me (Real-Deal-Me) and my flaws. I had built up my small flaws to the point that they completely overshadowed everything else. The more I distracted and separated myself from RDM, the bigger my flaws were and the more I needed the distraction. So the distraction itself fed the need for even greater distraction.

It was a pretty brutal cycle and it caused me a tremendous amount of suffering. I felt like I was fighting a battle, my RDM wanted to be acknowledged and honored, but I kept pushing away. I felt that if I honored my RDM, the ‘me’ that the outside world perceived would crumble. The ‘outside’ had a very strong and controlling grip on me.

Meditation is the practice of going within. It was my meditation practice that gave me a means to start to pay attention to the RDM. Going within started really simple for me. I found the edges of my form and focused on keeping my awareness within that form. So the minutes spent in meditation became my time to spend with RDM. I had to meet her. And I had to get to know her. And then eventually, I could pay attention to her.

Over time, the cycle changed. It has come the point where not listening to RDM is what causes me stress and anxiety. Feeling separated from her, or too tired to listen to her, is now my uncomfortable place. I’m ok with saying no to the things I honestly don’t want to do. The self-imposed pressure to maintain the ‘outside-me’ has lessened, to the the point where I would say that it no longer has a controlling grip on me. The ‘outside-me’ no longer controls my thoughts or my actions.

I noticed this last weekend when I went to a wine festival with a friend. I remember a time where I didn’t think I could ever go to something like that without getting sucked into the need to dampen my thoughts or my internal connection with a glass or two of alcohol. But when I was there, I didn’t want to remove myself from me. I wanted to be me the entire time.

Wine Fest-ing: Featured Guest: Real-Deal-Me!

In my meditation journey, the question of ‘how do I know if it is working’ often comes up. It can be hard to allow mediation to take it’s due time, so I wanted to share this experience that was apparent last weekend during the wine festival. It wasn’t a quick switch, but over time, meditation has really helped me with self-honesty and to be comfortable in my own skin. I am more comfortable with me than I have been in a very long time, flaws and all. For me, this is a true sign that meditation is working.

Meditate & be well.

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My Meditation Practice

Meditation & Mindfulness Readings On The Internet

April 28, 2017

Here are some interesting reads gathered from around the interwebz that strummed something in my body, mind or soul so I thought I would share.

Meditate & be well.

What if All I Want is A Mediocre Life? By Krista O’Reilly
Self honesty in the midst of external messages. I come back to this concept a lot because we are constantly bombarded with messages.

5 Hidden Blessings in Failure by Constantina Koutsoupia
Trying to learn and grow through all of our tribulations.

My journey with ambression (ambition + depression) by Samanee Mahbub
How we distract ourselves to numb our feelings – such an interesting piece.

The Art of Enough by Elizabeth Millard
Contentment, connection, presence.

Overwhelmed? 10 Ways to Feel Less Busy by Oliver Burkeman
There are some really blunt points in here and it was nice to read them succinctly explained. I recognize the ‘busyness epidemic’ and the expectations it sets in my surroundings and it is always nice to have the language to identify what you are observing.

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My Meditation Practice

Am I Meditating?

April 23, 2017

Is it working?

This is one of the biggest questions that comes up before, during and after meditation. This is something that really struggled with in the beginning.

Am I doing it?

Is it working?

What am I supposed to feel?

I found meditation to be really illusive, especially when I first began my practice. I asked myself these questions over and over. I asked others who had a mature practice these questions. I asked Google these questions.

These questions did not yield direct or consistent answers. So the illusiveness not only continued, but it became a pervasive. This was a particularly hard because I tied the results of these questions to the worthiness of meditation. And this makes logical sense because it is really hard to stick with something unless you see, feel or perceive results.

This concept is pretty foundational to the neurological pattern that governs habit in our brain. To keep something up, the brain must realize a ‘reward’ or benefit as a result of the effort or actions. This is something that Charles Duhigg clearly articulates in his book The Power of Habit. And lets be honest – meditation is hard so why would you do it if not for the benefits?

I now realize that this phase, this questioning period, was actually more perilous than I realized at the time. I was attaching a defined and obvious result or reward to the effort of my meditation practice. I didn’t understand the nature of meditation and this confusion and ignorance lead to dissatisfaction.

Did you notice something about that last sentence?

Attachment. Confusion. Dissatisfaction. These states, together, are the inputs to suffering. According to the 2nd Noble Truth of Buddhism,  the cause of suffering is attachment.

Don’t stop reading now, because if you do, this post leaves you thinking that meditation causes suffering. Please keep reading.

Confusion, ignorance and attachment can have a very strong grip on our thought patterns. They can direct them. They can control them. Meditation is a time to pause, a time to create some distance between the real-deal-you (RDM) and the grip of ignorance, confusion and attachment.

So the more meditated, the less I needed to answer these questions. My reward became a sense of peace when it came to the illusiveness of meditation. I still find meditation to be profoundly personal, so I wouldn’t feel equipped to be able to answer those questions if asked. My answer would be this post. Meditation feels like the need for answers is absent. The confusion is absent. The dissatisfaction is absent.

I knew I was meditating because there was no need for answers.

Meditation is a practice. It is a time to practice being in a state where things may not have clarity, definition and controllable outcomes. When you are sitting you are preparing for times when ignorance, discomfort, suffering and attachment come up. Maybe they come up suddenly, or maybe they gradually grow around you. With this practice, the grip of ignorance, discomfort and suffering is no longer so harsh. It’s not as tight. You can pause and create space. And things have the potential to become OK.

Meditate & be well.

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My Meditation Practice

Meditation = Connecting to RDM

April 19, 2017

My recent ass-kicking move abroad has taught me a thing or two (or one-hundred) about connection.

I left a wonderful (wonderful) network of friends behind and moved to a country, city and company where I didn’t know anyone. And I didn’t know the language but that’s another post all on its own.

To go from a body, heart and mind full of connection to a body, heart and mind with no connection has been the hardest aspect of this move. Absolutely, completely, without question for realz. Realz. My reactions have gone from ‘this sucks’, to ‘this is kind of boring’ to ‘AHHHHH!!’ to ‘HELP!! Really! I need HELP!”

For the last eight months, I have basically oscillated round and round through these reactions.

This emotional rollercoaster has actually been a raw, face-the-music journey to realizing that there is nobody here but me.

Nobody but real-deal-me (RDM).

I have a point here, an actual learning. A big-ass learning.

Just like you need to connect with others (because we are tribal), we need to connect with ourselves. This is what meditation does. It is a way to connect with our true-self (RDM), by going  within the edges of our form. It’s here where we find our true-selves.

Meditation is the practice of connecting with your true-self.

When is the last time you had a heart-to-heart with your RDM? Not the ‘self’ you think you should be. Not the ‘self’ you try to be. Not the ‘self’ that you think everyone else sees.

Your true self. The one inside the edges. The real deal. Your real-deal-me.

My RDM has been buried pretty deep. I could not hear a thing from her. All I heard was the noise of who I thought she should be. The noise from trying to make her something she was not.

This noise was deafening.

The farther away RDM was, the less I connected with her, the more I suffered.

The learning is that meditation gives you a way to connect and listen to the real you. The real-deal you.

Jack Kornfield articulately says ‘Deep meditation can untangle the sense of identity.’

It has taken me a long time, and a big-ass-kicking to hear and find RDM. I couldn’t here her until there was nobody else.

And there was nobody else in Germany. Just her – the RDM.

Someone I am very grateful I met here (in Germany) said ‘Life tells you. You just have to listen.’

I love that. I’ve known that. That’s why this blog is called My Meditation Journey.

Maybe I needed this move to be so hard so I HAD to hear RDM.  Stripping it all away so all that was left was RDM.

And this is what meditation has brought me. A way to connect with and listen to RDM.

The more I am with RDM, the better things are. They’re not perfect. But they are better.

Meditate & be well.

 

4 Comments

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      Thank you for your kind words. I hope you enjoy the future content!!

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    My Meditation Practice

    I am here now.

    April 17, 2017

    It has been a while.

    It has been a very long while.

    To be honest and transparent, I’ve been going through a big change.

    Last autumn, I sold my house, sold my car and almost everything I owned. When I only had three boxes left of  ‘things’, I shipped them to another country and started a new job with a sister company.

    This change has been immense to say the least. Immense in good ways, hard ways and of course unexpected ways. The thing is, this change has provided so much fodder for this little space in the interwebz. But I just couldn’t. Yet.

    My meditation practice has come and gone through the last 8 months. I’m not here to be the meditation example to aspire to. I’m here to share my journey into meditation, the ups and the downs.

    So here I am, up and down with meditation.

    There have been times where I have been so.over.whelmed with this change that I have not been able to face my meditation practice. At all.

    And when I say I haven’t been able to face my meditation practice, what I mean is that I have not been able to face myself. The feelings that this change has stirred. I just couldn’t sometimes.

    But….

    While I may not have been able to actually sit down with my legs crossed, my hands on my thighs and my spine perfectly strait with closed eyes actually meditating, I do have to say that my meditation practice has been there in some capacity throughout out everything.

    What I realized that the simple awareness that I couldn’t sit down and meditate was what meditation has brought me. I couldn’t address the grip. But I knew the grip was there. And that is a small separation, a small pause which brought small peace.

    My meditation practice is here now. I can sit with myself and the grip.

    I don’t feel as though I can only share my meditation practice when I’m actually meditating. But this blog is a form of facing meditation. And like I mentioned above, I just couldn’t. Yet. But I’m here now.

    My intent is to be transparent and honest. I’m back to do that.

    Join me.

    Meditate & be well.

    2 Comments

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    • Reply Erin May 10, 2017 at 7:32 am

      Thank you! I am going to post as much as the space in my head and my heart allow. I appreciate your message. Be Well.

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    My Meditation Practice

    Meditation – What Has Been Working

    August 20, 2016

    Patanjali says that yoga* is the calming of the fluctuations of the mind.

    But I have to be honest and say that I am finding fluctuations in my meditation practice, not just my mind. While this blog is an evolving medium, it’s intent is to share just this – the ebb and flow of my practice. What I’m noticing, what I am struggling with, where I’m finding benefits, etc. I have also shared and will continue to share what I find to be working during my actual practice.

    This is one of those posts where I share what is working for me now.

    My meditation practice is truly just sitting with my breath. Complete and total breath awareness. Nothing else. And this is hard.

    In-and-out of my head flow the thoughts (just to describe a few):

    My grocery list….
    What I have to do once I stand up….
    The comment that recently annoyed me….
    If I’m hungry or not…
    Wow I’m doing it!!!! I’m meditating!!!!
    Oops, now I’m not….

    And this is how I (usually) practice:

    My grocery list….
    Back to the breath.
    What I have to do once I stand up….
    Back to the breath.
    What recently annoyed me….
    Back to the breath.
    If I’m hungry or not…
    Back to the breath.
    Wow I’m doing it!!!! I’m meditating!!!!
    Back to the breath.
    Oops, now I’m not….
    Back to the breath.

    Back to the breath’ is what ebbs and flows right now in this stage of my meditation ‘maturity’.

    What does ‘back to the breath’ mean? Is it a breathing pattern? Usually. It’s anything that brings my awareness within the edges of my form.

    As of late, ‘back to the breath’ has been the act of focusing on the moment when I feel the back of my lower lungs stretch.

    Try it finding this spot. Right now. The lower part of your lungs are below the shoulder blades and just above your navel.

    Screen Shot 2016-08-13 at 9.18.45 AM

    If you observe your un-altered breath, you’ll notice that it stays in a certain area of your torso – the area under your sternum.

    If you have some experience with, or a regular pranayama practice, you may have a more developed breathing pattern where your navel moves in and out. Try to do this type of three part breathing first.

    Once you have the breath moving in and out using your navel (which is engaging more of your diaphragm), try to move the breath so it stretches out the back of your lungs. This take immense internal concentration.

    Even if you don’t feel the back of your lungs inflate and deflate, keep picturing it. Keep sending your awareness there. Eventually you will start to turn this mind-body connection on. In time, you will be able to tap into this special inside spot.

    I’m sharing this because I’ve found this ‘special inside spot’ to be truly centering in my mediation practice. This ‘back to the breath’ practice is what is working for me now and truth be told, it feels really, really good. So I wanted to share.

    Meditate & be well.

    *References to yoga on this blog are towards the meditative practice as opposed to the physical asana practice which is often connected with the term.

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    Meditation & Minfulness

    Meditation & Impermanence

    August 13, 2016

    I keep a personal journal (that my sister made me) and along with documenting my random musings, I also collect quotes in it. I also randomly flip back through my journal to see where my mind has been. A few days ago, I was doing just that – opening random pages of my journal and reading my thought-history.

    I came across this quote the day after I wrote a post about our attachment to impermanence as a source of suffering or discontent.

    “Nothing in this world is good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” – William Shakespeare

    I’ve always believed that the universe sends us little messages and I can’t help but think this is just that. A little message from the universe saying ‘good on ya Erin.’

    I also can’t help but think how beautifully Shakespeare speaks to our potential ability to manage our attachment. Oh, and how easy he makes it sound.

    But here is the thing, there are times when it is easy, and times when it’s really (maybe really really) hard. We can all look back on times when we’ve managed well. We’re all more competent than we give ourselves credit for. But then there are times when managing our attachment to the impermanent nature or life has been a significant challenge.

    We all go through these phases. Highs and lows. Ups and downs. Good times and bad times. There are seasons in nature and seasons in life.

    But here is the thing that I’ve been thinking about. The highs shouldn’t be too high and lows shouldn’t be too low. The pendulum shouldn’t swing too far to one side only, nor should it swing too far on either side.

    One of the laws of physics says that for every action, there is an opposite and equal reaction. One way to look at this is that higher the high, the farther you have to fall. I realize that is a pessimistic view, but it’s also illustrates an important perspective – we need to be able to weather the good and the bad without sacrificing the balance of our body, mind and soul. And to do this, we can’t go too high and we can’t go too low on the pendulum. And managing our attachment to life’s impermanency is what manages the swing of the pendulum.

    We need to pause before we get too high and before we get too low. And this is what meditation is. We practice and observe what it is to pause when we are sitting in meditation. We spend time in this pause. We give our mind, body and soul some time in this pause. This pause creates space between our true selves and the good or the bad. Here we can rationalize, process and manage.

    When things go from looking like this:

    Screen Shot 2016-08-13 at 9.04.21 AM

    To looking like this:

    Screen Shot 2016-08-13 at 9.05.55 AM

    We know we are managing our attachment to impermanence. This management is one of meditation’s gifts.

    Meditate & be well.

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    Meditation & Minfulness

    Change, Attachment, and Impermanence

    August 7, 2016

    I am going through a big change.

    I am leaving beautiful Vermont and moving to Germany for my job. The chance to live and work abroad has been a significant goal of mine for a very long time. I want to connect and set up roots in a completely different community. I want to figure out how to be successful in my career under completely different circumstances. I’ve been itching to get outside my comfort zone.

    And I did it. I made this happen. I am going to work for a company that I am ecstatic about, doing a job that I have experience and success in. And I am definitely outside of my comfort zone.

    Even though I know I want this, and this decision feels so right, it’s still hard.

    I am leaving a pretty good life.
    I am leaving everything I know.
    I sold my lovely little home.
    I left a job I was successful at.
    I said goodbye to my family & friends.
    I said goodbye to my family & friends.
    I said goodbye to my family & friends.

    Needless to say, the concept of impermanence and attachment have been on my mind as of late.

    The notion that our attachment to life’s impermanency causes suffering is a foundational concept in Buddhism. The stronger the attachment, the greater the suffering.

    That being said, there is good news.

    Buddhism also teaches us that suffering and attachment have a causal and direct relationship. So the less we attach to life’s impermanency, the less we suffer.

    But let’s be honest – we can’t rid ourselves of all attachments. Nor should we.

    Our human connections, the pursuit of our passions and our love for life itself are potential sources of suffering but they are also the substance of humanity and the ingredients for a fulfilling life.

    And this is where I am. I can either attach & suffer or accept that the suffering I have felt from all the goodbyes is actually beautiful. It’s beautiful because it means I have built a life filled with people I care about.

    The sorrow I am feeling doesn’t have to consume me or govern my actions and this is what meditation has helped me learn. 

    Life is ever-changing. It’s a continuous flow of moments weaved together creating a wealth of experiences. The potential in these experiences arises from their dynamic nature; day-to-day, minute-to-minute and breath-to-breath.

    If I accept and go with the current of life, I can weather the suffering that comes along with desires and attachments. I can pause and realize that I am the same person through the ups and the downs, the good and the bad, the easy and the hard.

    And this is what I want. I want to go into this next chapter with all of my heart, all of my mind, and all of my soul.

    Meditate & be well.

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    Meditation & Minfulness

    Meditation & Self Awareness

    July 27, 2016

    There are so many ways to speak to self awareness.

    It is described as the act of perceiving, gaining knowledge, learning and understanding one’s thoughts, beliefs and motives. I like to think of it as honoring your true nature.

    There is a lot of information on the interwebz about self awareness. It’s also used in a number of different contexts. In my grown-up job, I speak to self awareness most often when providing guidance and professional coaching to my staff. To honestly assess where they need to develop more skills to achieve their next milestone.

    But what really gets me thinking is why do we need to be educated and coached on self awareness? Why do we need to consciously work on learning about ourselves? Where did we loose ourselves?

    I think it is because we are so externally stimulated. We have amazing senses and highly functional brains so we can take in a lot. We are always doing, seeing, speaking and processing and that can take up a lot of space in our minds. This is illustrated in our tendency to identify ourselves with or in relation to something else. For example, we describe not our true selves, but ourselves by our circumstances. I am an artist. I am a utra-runner. I am a mother.

    We also live in a highly competitive culture. We are taught that inadequacies lead to failure so we conceal our weaknesses. We desperately want to prevent judgement. So on-goes the hard shell and out goes the opportunity for true improvement, potential and contentment.

    Here is the thing, being a mother, an artist or an ultra-runner isn’t what makes you tick. These attributes are on top of your true self. Honestly assessing where you can improve enables the potential to improve.

    When you understand what is inside, you can start to see the why. Why you react in specific ways. Why you cannot make changes in an area that is causing you angst. Why you can’t achieve a specific goal. With the why, you can start to make changes.

    Screen Shot 2016-07-25 at 4.32.38 PM

    We develop patterns and thought interpretations that aren’t always good for us. We do things that prohibit our relationships, careers and personal growth. Without self awareness, it is really hard to break these patterns. It’s really hard to reach your potential. The hard shell stays locked on.

    When you better understand the root cause, the ‘inside’, you can better understand the reasons behind the patterns, thought interpretations, reactions and stumbling blocks. It’s like treating the cause of the allergic reaction instead of the symptom of the allergic reaction.

    The what  is self awareness. The why is potential. The how is meditation.

    In my last post I wrote about the pause. I wrote about how meditation gives us the opportunity to practice pausing and when we pause we can create space. We just need a little space between us and the pattern, the stimuli, the cause, the action, the reaction.

    In this space we can observe. We can pay attention. We can reflect. We can assess. More often than not, our responses are lightening fast and before we know it, we’re back to the same. Goal not achieved. Angst is back in full force. Our typical reactions prevail.

    In this space we can start to get to know the why. We can look underneath the hard shell. We can start to converse with our true nature.

    Meditation becomes the gateway to the inside. 

    Screen Shot 2016-07-25 at 4.36.37 PM

    When we practice meditation, we not only practice pausing, but we also practice going within. Meditation is a time to start to get to know our true nature, what is underneath that hard shell.

    To change, to reach out potential, we have to pause and let ourselves be open and vulnerable. Meditation is the dedication to practicing this pause & vulnerability.

    Meditate & be well.

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    Meditation & Minfulness

    Meditation – Practicing The Pause

    July 23, 2016

    Inhale
    Pause
    Exhale
    Pause

    Meditation is your time to practice this pause.

    Try it, right now.

    Inhale
    Pause
    Exhale
    Pause

    Can you feel that pause? Just as your breath transitions from inhaling to exhaling there is a moment. A space. A pause.

    Can you be in that pause? Sitting there with the space of nothing and infinity at the same time.

    This isn’t easy. Especially at first.

    But the ability to do this, to pause, is monumental.

    Think of the last time you were upset, agitated, depressed or anxious. More often than not, these feelings of anxiety, agitation, frustration and depression come on quickly and last longer than they should.

    There is a natural reason for this. We’re fight-or-flight animals and triggering these defense mechanisms were necessary to outrun the bears.

    But today, when we don’t have any bears to out run, we still conjure up these harsh overreactions with just as much speed. They come on in a moment and overtake us.

    All of a sudden we jump to harmful conclusions. We can’t think strait. We can’t problem solve. We make rash decisions that are harmful to others and ourselves.

    But if we pause, just for a moment, we can create some space between our true selves and the fight-or-flight reaction.

    In this pause, our higher brain has an opportunity to step in with some reason. This pause can lessen the grip that anxiety and agitation can have on our mind, our breath and our soul.

    Meditation gives us the opportunity to practice this pause. So when the stimuli comes up – whether it be your co-worker, that person who cut you off or even your spouse, you can pause before jumping to your usual reaction. It’s not you, it’s your pattern. Your opportunity in these situations is during this pause.

    Inhale
    Pause
    Exhale
    Pause

    There is so much power in this pause.

    Meditate & be well.

     

    1 Comment

  • Reply Ira Rabois – Summertime July 23, 2016 at 4:48 pm

    […] *New Addition: I just saw this posting on Facebook, meditating on the pause by Erin Ramsay. […]

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    1 Comment

  • Reply Ira Rabois – Summertime July 23, 2016 at 4:48 pm

    […] *New Addition: I just saw this posting on Facebook, meditating on the pause by Erin Ramsay. […]

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